What Does it Mean to Be Poor in Spirit?

DISCLAIMER: Okay, I'm really sorry but for some reason all of the paragraph breaks are being taken out whenever I edit/post this entry. It's driving me CRAZY but I don't know how to fix it right now short of retyping the whole thing by hand, which I don't wanna do tonight!

Our look into “The Pursuit of God” by A.W. Tozer took an interesting and (at least for me) unexpected turn this Sunday with the second chapter, “The blessedness of possessing nothing”.

Buh?!

“Wait a minute here,” was my first thought, “We are talking about pursuing right now. About chasing God; about falling in love with Him; about HIM pursuing and loving us so incredibly and completely and compellingly BEFORE we could come to Him…why do we need to talk about our stuff?!”

But it’s true. The Deadliest Thing to your pursuit, as Tozer said in the last chapter we talked over, was complacency… getting apathetic, cool, satisfied where you’re at. However, content is not the same as satisfied. We are to be content pursuing God, but never satisfied with our progress so that we stop. Sometimes, though things interrupt our pursuit—and Jesus says that is the enemy. You don’t just get “distracted” nebulously or have “not enough time in a day to pray” out of the blue: it’s caused by your POSSESSIVENESS. When you grasp your job, your things, your hobbies, your magazines, your facebook, your TV shows, your shopping… you get sidetracked from your pursuit. Thus, this subject really IS a perfectly natural topic for the beginning of our study on pursuing God.

Okay. So. I figured I really should get to the bottom of this: just what DOES the Bible say about being Poor in Spirit?

Well, the verse this came from was easy. In Matthew 5, Jesus is giving His now-famous sermon (that we sometimes call “the Sermon on the Mount” since He gave it from a mountaintop) and he includes this statement:

Matthew 5:3

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”

All right. So is Jesus saying we need to literally get rid of everything we have and live on the streets in cardboard boxes? I wasn’t so sure, but I decided I’d start by looking up all the verses that included the word “poor”. Yeah… interesting idea… www.biblegateway.com had 198 verses come up in the NKJV version. That would take FOREVER. So let’s look at a few highlights to see what we can figure out about being poor in spirit.

First, what does the Bible say about the poor?

In Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy, we see laws and rules put in place to help the poor get along, like harvesting rules, alternate means of gathering animals for sacrifice (Leviticus 14:21), not showing partiality to the poor (Lev 19:15), having a poor man’s possessions redeemed by a relative, not letting poor people sell themselves into slavery, etc. God obviously cares about the poor if He had so much put in place to protect them and keep them going.

I like this one in Leviticus 19, about how farmers weren’t supposed to “sweep clean” their fields, but leave the leftovers for the poor to get:

Leviticus 19:9-10

‘When you reap the harvest of your land, you shall not wholly reap the corners of your field, nor shall you gather the gleanings of your harvest. And you shall not glean your vineyard, nor shall you gather every grape of your vineyard; you shall leave them for the poor and the stranger: I am the LORD your God.’

Next, here’s an interesting verse about God’s role in poverty, sung by Hannah. She is praising the LORD and sings of His holiness and matchlessness before describing His sovereignty in all of life:

I Samuel 2:7-8

“The LORD makes poor and makes rich; He brings low and lifts up. He raises the poor from the dust, and lifts the beggar from the ash heap, to set them among princes and make them inherit the throne of glory. For the pillars of the earth are the LORD’s, and He has set the world upon them.”

Job, also, speaks of God saving the poor:

Job 5:15-16; 34:19

“But He saves the needy from the sword, from the mouth of the mighty, and from their hand. So the poor have hope, and injustice shuts her mouth.”

“Yet He is not partial to princes, nor does He regard the rich more than the poor; for they are all the work of His hands.”

Elsewhere in the Old Testament, we see the poor being oppressed, needy, killed, left with nothing, fatherless, friendless, helpless, TOTALLY undesirable… but we also see what God thinks about that:

Psalm 9:18

“For the needy shall not always be forgotten; the expectation of the poor shall not perish forever.”

Psalm 12:5

“For the oppression of the poor, for the sighing of the needy, now I will arise,” says the LORD; “I will set him in the safety for which he yearns.”

Psalm 35:10

“All my bones shall say, “LORD, who is like You, delivering the poor from him who is too strong for him, yes, the poor and the needy from him who plunders him?””

Psalm 40:17

“But I am poor and needy, yet the LORD thinks upon me. You are my help and my deliverer; do not delay, O my God.”

…and yes, I could go on and on. The Psalms’ descriptions of God’s action toward the poor are so wonderful to me.

…Okay, one more

Isaiah 25:4

“For You have been a strength to the poor, a strength to the needy in his distress, a refuge from the storm, a shade from the heat; for the blast of the terrible ones is as a storm against the wall.”

While we’re here, Isaiah has some interesting news about fasting that relates to how we treat the poor:

Isaiah 58:6-8

“Is this not the fast that I have chosen: to loose the bonds of wickedness, to undo the heavy burdens, to let the oppressed go free, and that you break every yoke? Is it not to share your bread with the hungry, and that you bring to your house the poor who are cast out; when you see the naked, that you cover him, and not hide yourself from your own flesh? Then your light shall break forth like the morning, your healing shall spring forth speedily, and your righteousness shall go before you; the glory of the LORD shall be your rear guard.”

Yeah. We’re not just supposed to “fast” from something comfortable—like giving up on chocolate or whatnot—but we’re to use our fast/lack to help others. Hhm. Just an interesting side note.

Anyway, Isaiah also includes a passage that uses the word “poor” in a way that seems to better match the way it’s used in Matthew 5:

Isaiah 66:2

“For all these things My hand has made, and all those things exist,” says the LORD. “But on this one will I look: on him who is poor and of a contrite spirit, and who trembles at My word.”

Well, then, what does poor mean here? I don’t think it necessarily means materially poor, socially despised and helpless. I mean, maybe it does, but I’m not so sure.

When we finally arrive to the New Testament’s look at the poor, the very first words we are confronted with are those words of Jesus in Matthew 5: “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs in the kingdom of heaven.” SO, up to this point, all the folks around Jesus had to go on was the OT writings on the poor. Of course, we have the advantage of the WHOLE Bible, so let’s just take a peek at what else is said about the poor in here before we draw any conclusions.

Jesus was obviously in to caring for the poor. He hung around them and was a proponent of giving to them. It was even His calling:

Matthew 19:21

Jesus said to him, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell what you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.”

Luke 4:18 [Jesus is reading an Isaiah prophecy that actually referred to Himself!]

“The Spirit of the LORD is upon Me, because He has anointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovery of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed;”

Luke 14:13

“But when you give a feast, invite the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind.”

Check out what Paul has to say about Jesus:

2 Corinthians 8:9

“For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though He was rich, yet for your sakes He became poor, that you through His poverty might become right.”

WHOA, hold the phones for a moment. Jesus became poor… He was poor in spirit… He was our perfect example of being poor in spirit then. Okay. So how was He poor? Well, yeah, physically He didn’t have a lot; His job description included a lot of roaming around and no permanent house (Jesus said in Luke 9:58, “Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head.”)

SO… what is this telling me about being “poor in spirit”?

Poor folks obviously don’t possess a lot, which means they’re not tied down to a lot. I know, I know, that’s pointed out a lot. But still… I see how it’s true. And, as we discussed in our Sunday School class with the story of Abraham sacrificing Isaac, “blessed are the poor in spirit” doesn’t mean God’s suddenly going to ask for everything you own—but He wants you to be willing to give it up if you have to. Not holding tightly. Just as Jesus said:

John 12:25

“He who loves his life will lose it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.”

So. Got it. Poor in spirit = not being possessive of the things God has given us. When you let go of whatever you’re grasping (hobbies, children, TV, thoughts, money… not easy stuff!) and give it to God, it’s really in the safest place it can be.

But what else?

I’m noticing that the poor are often oppressed (okay, understatement-o-rama. It’s all over the Old testament!). Could Jesus also mean that the poor in spirit are those who are oppressed and left because they’re His followers?

But here’s the big thing that has impressed on me. Remember how He says the poor in spirit are “blessed”? Think about this in relation to the poor. Look at all the times God says the poor are in His thoughts, He will protect them, He will arise on their behalf, He will plead their cause and uphold them, He is by their side, He will watch over them, He will treat them justly… that’s what God does for the Poor in Spirit as well!

I have the tendency to focus so much on the “poor in spirit” part of Matthew 5 that I forget about the “blessed…for theirs is the kingdom of heaven” part!

Let’s look at Matthew 5:3 in several versions to compare and see if we can get any last nuggets of meaning for tonight:

New Century Version

“They are blessed who realize their spiritual poverty, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to them.”

NIV, NASB, NKJV, ESV, HCSB

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”

The Message

“You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.”

New Living Translation

“God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs.”

Amplified Bible

“Blessed (happy, to be envied, and spiritually prosperous—with life-joy and satisfaction in God’s favor and salvation, regardless of their outward conditions) are the poor in spirit (the humble, who rate themselves insignificant), for theirs is the kingdom of heaven!”

Well. There you have it… one night’s worth of looking. Poor in spirit seems to mean those who don’t make much of themselves, who don’t find their status something to be grasped (hhmm… like Jesus, see Philippians 2), who don’t hold tightly to their possessions but give of them. They may have been blessed with a lot, but still “in spirit” they are poor—in their attitude they are willing to let go and they love God more than possessions. And when you think about how He is pursuing us, and how He is there with us and how He stands for us and by us and upholds us when we are “poor in spirit”… why wouldn’t you love Him even more?

I love how the Message says it: When there’s less of you, there’s more of His rule. May we be poor in spirit and be able to say with the Psalmist, “I am poor and needy, yet the LORD thinks upon me.” !!

//

Kind of as an extra thought, it's interesting--and hard--to put this practice of radically being poor in spirit and not attatched to things when, say, my birthday is coming up and people keep asking me "what do you WANT?" On the one hand, I want to think, "oh, this is my *birthday* for goodness' sake, I can be allowed to splurge" but did Jesus ever splurge? No. Then I might think, "Well, if I say 'no gifts for me this year' maybe I'll get a sense of piety and everyone will be impressed with me"... um, no again. We'll see how this goes! It sounds glorious and wonderful when you're talking about it... but it is hard to not be selfish! :-)

What is the Essence of Genuine Religion?

The second question from our ABF class, "Pursuing God", was "what is the essence of genuine religion?"

At first, my mind flew right away to the passage in James 1, v. 27

James 1:27
"Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world."

I was pretty sure at first that this was where he was going with this question, but right away a new verse was thrown out:

John 17:3
"And this is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent."

Hhhhm... a little bit different vein that I thought, but this still made sense to me. So often we get so busy but we are supposed to STILL pursue God. Life is not supposed to distract us or choke that away from us... eternal life is to know God. Jesus said:

John 10:10
"The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly."

He came that we would have abundant life, eternal life, and THEN we find out that this life is to know God and Jesus. It's not just about getting to heaven someday. It's not about having our earth restored someday physically, socially, spiritually, relationally... it's about knowing God and His Son NOW. Awesome!

And the best part is, God--who chose us BEFORE we chose Him--WANTS to know us. He wants to! He waits to!

Tozer was quoted in our ABF class as saying, roughly, 'God is a person... that thinks, feels, desires, loves, etc. just as we do... He communicates with us through the avenues of mind, will, and emotions." He has a great personality. So often we don't really think about or acknowledge these attributes of God! He feels many things like we do. He communicates to us in a way that we relate to in our souls because that's how HE relates. Why do we so often miss Him and just leave Him waiting?!

Instead, we have the wonderous opportunity to chase Him. And here is where an answer was posed for our question:

"The continuous and unembarrassed interchange of love and thoughts between God and man... that is the essence of genuine religion."

That's something to chew on for sure. A constant interchange with God... all through the day... kinda reminds me of a verse:

1 Thess 5:16-18
"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."

Did you catch it? Pray without ceasing. A continuous exchange of love and thoughts. "God on the brain". It all fits together! And THAT is the essence of religion... pursuing God constantly. That's definitely a part of falling in love with Him.

What is Provenient Grace? (Or: What Happens Before We Seek God?)

This was the first question posed at the opening session of a 5-week Sunday-School-Hour meeting based on the book "Pursuing God" by A.W. Tozer.

In fact, there were five questions for the week, one to ponder each day, and this first one was definitely fantastic to start out with. Pursuing God is all about falling in love with Him, and even just from this one question I am finding myself falling more for Him than I have in awhile. He truly is magnificent and mind-blowing yet gentle and so patient...

Today's question (and answer) brought some interesting Scriptures to my mind, and this morning as I looked them up God brought several more to me! But before I tell you the answer to the question, let me show you the verses and see if you can catch the underlying theme that I found:

Psalm 65:4
"Blessed is the man You choose, and cause to approach You, that he may dwell in Your courts. We shall be satisfied with the goodness of Your house, of Your holy temple."

1 John 4:19
"We love Him because He first loved us."

Romans 5:8
"But God demonstrates His own love toward us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

Romans 8:29-30
"For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren. Moreover whom He predestined, these He also called; whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified."

Luke 19:10
"For the Son of Man came to seek and to save what was lost."


Do you see it? Go back and read those again. I'm serious. It only takes a few moments to read, yet sooooo much time can be spent truly digesting these small passages from God's great Love Letter to us. I took a walk tonight so I could be alone with God to think and talk over them and I love them all. So... What's the underlying theme here?

***

I hope you actually took a moment to think about that; now I'll tell you what I saw personally. In each of these verses, we see that before WE can seek God, HE has to draw us FIRST! It's not like God only shows us His grace once we decide for ourselves that we want Him (otherwise some people would NEVER get saved! ;-) ). He pursues us first. HE is the one that chooses us, knocks on the door, waits for us to get it. And then when we do, He saves us... just think! He alone is the Catalys for our faith, the Savid One, the Overcomer with us, and then the Judge and Rewarder at the end! What kind of crazy love for us is that, that He would be alongside us so much?

See the verses again. He foreknew us; He came back to seek the lost, those not already "with it"; we can only love because He has loved us first; God causes us to approach Him and then we are satisfied with Him. What a gentle, patient, longsuffering God that woos us.

Beloved friends, what a truth. It all goes back to Him, even before we were saved it was because of Him. There was never a moment that He was not aware, working and allowing things to happen that accomplish His sovereign will and plan. We don't pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps to Jesus. God beckons us!

So, to answer that original question, Provenient Grace was defined as God's grace in pursuing us SO THAT we can pursue Him. Before we can be saved, God pursues us. What a foundation on which to find your love and pursuit growing!

As a side note, I feel like this will definitely change the way I pray for unsaved friends. I won't pray anymore that they'd see the light by themselves and "turn on the power" to start something brand new, but more like God would pursue them and open the eyes of their hearts to see Him there, already working... "turn on the light" to see what has been going on all along, unseen by them.

***
Before I was saved You were calling,
Wanting to catch me as I was falling,
Just waiting for me to put my life "all in"
For You and Your patient love were following
Me even while I was crawling
Trying to find my own way,
Do it on my own time on my own day,
Little did I know You were drawing,
Pursuing, lifting me above the fray.
I thought I needed to turn the power on,
Start something brand new with my own plan,
But it was more like flipping a light switch on,
To see the continued work of the Son of Man.

This four-part reminder again...

...Do you think it's a coincidence that these four points have been randomly cropping up every few weeks? Or that they seem to take on a new element to their meaning every time I stumble across them?

Me either!

So, once again, let's just remind ourselves together of how good it is to:

1. Think who you want to be

2. Trust God with your dreams

3. Work as if God is right there beside you

4. Give generously of who you are


YES!

Ordinary Radical: wrestling with my comfy lifestyle and the crazy one I'm called to

So right now I am kind of wrestling. Wrestling with what it means for me to be radical, to really follow when Jesus hits home at the comfortable complacency that I so easily fall into and He says, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell what you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me." {Matthew 19:21, spoken to a rich young ruler}

It's really easy for me, in this blessed and cushy life with a wonderful family and lots of STUFF, to push this notion aside when it gets uncomfortable. I mean, even cleaning my room would involve monumental amounts of work, much less selling it all. And seriously, that would ruin me, right?!

But it doesn't help that my friend Jeremy Harris has asked me to pray for his team on their World Race trip, an adventure all about rejecting the American Dream and spending 11 months travelling to some of the most destitute, desperate, dusy, and poverty-plagued countries in the world as they continually pour out of themselves whatever the Holy Spirit continually fills them with.

It also doesn't help that I've started reading this book that a friend lent me, "The Irresistible Revolution" by Shane Claiborne. This guy is so intense... I am both hungering to eat it up voraciously as I find descriptions of myself on every page, and yet desperate to stop, digest, and get away from the intensity of this radical life he calls us to... the radical life Jesus calls us to. But this kind of abandon that he describes is the kind of thing I only dream in my wildest moments. Could it happen someday? I doubt it most of the time, but I still always hope somewhere in the back of my head...

This book has been so convicting already. Just the foreword nailed me to my chair for awhile.

"Don't let the world steal your soul," he quotes a college prof., "Being a Christian is about choosing Jesus and deciding to do something incredibly daring with your life."

I want to be known as daring.

Recently, I'll admit, I have become disillusioned and cynical about church. Oh, no, you'd never know it on the outside, and most of the time I would not let it dominate my thinking... but occasionally, in the corners of my mind, it would creep back in. I hated this "conservative vs. liberal" and the "traditional vs. contemporary" and all the "let's go reach our neighbors" without actually leaving the church doors... despite the good things there were in the church, I was stubbornly focused on the bad.

But I wasn't doing anything about it.

This book insists that we don't stop there, that there is a band of Believers rising up and not staying silent. "But there is another movement stirring, a little revolution of sorts. Many of us are refusing to allow distorted images of our faith to define us..... There is a movement bubbling up that goes beyond cynicism and celebrates a new way of living, a generation that stops complaining about the church it sees and becomes the church it dreams of."

Wow. But "Most good things have been said far too many times and just need to be lived."

Zing. True again. And me again. His description got eerily close when, moving on from the discontent with the strict division/obsession with "conservative and liberal" and the disillusionment with aspects of the church, he described a state he was in as "Spiritual Bulimia." Just as bulimia is a disease in which folks "consume large amounts of food but vomit it up before it has a chance to digest", Claiborne--and myself, many times--"did my devotions, read all the new Christian books and saw Christian movies, nad then vomited up information... but it never had the chance to digest. I had gorged myself on all the products of the Christian industrial complex but was spiritually starving to death. I was marked by an overconsumptive but malnourished spirituality, suffocated by Christianity but thirsty for God." While I might not say that I have reached a state of "suffocation", I was headed the same way and I know *exactly* what he means by gorging and spitting out without digesting.

So to read the blog posts from World Racers, and to have this book with me about an ordinary radical revolution... I am wrestling with what that means for me. My heart cries out for children around the world. A tiny piece of me wonders what it would be like to abandon all and visit a faraway place, just as Shane visited Calcutta and Jeremy is all over the country. And all at once I am struck with the desire to go and work and help heal, but it all strikes me at once and the feeling is really overwhelming. How can I really make a difference? I cannot help out ALL the widows, orphans, poverty-stricken, dying, destitute, and afflicted. But I did know one thing I could do, one thing I had already started.

But before that, here's this, something I wrote as I was feeling all these things:

::Radically Small::

And it's sitting here

once again

I start to feel small.

Wondering

how my own hand

can shape the world at all.

and all at once

it becomes so overwhelming

and I cry as if I

am to try

to do it all by my

very self. Alone

no help.

The world needs so much, Jesus,

all the broken people

in the broken situations

in their broken habitats

this broken world.

How can I reach the widows,

the orphaned boys and girls,

my neighbors in their shiny new homes,

and those downtown who do not know

what it is to be safe, fed, and loved?

But it's not my strength,

answers come from up above

I may be small,

inconsequential,

tiny,

but I know that I need

the Lord to stand by me

on my own I can't see

how the prisoners fly free

but in Jesus chains are broken,

whether you're a business man

in a three piece suit

or an orphan in Uganda

just praying for food

and He uses His WHOLE Body

not individuals

not republicans or liberals

but radicals.

Ordinary radicals,

everyday world-changers.

The burden is not on just one

because One

already bore our burden.

Let Him shape your view

change what you do

He still means what He says

take Him seriously

live it furiously

let justice flow

let it go, don't slow,

taking peace

to the world

that's beyond what they know

not a meal and a show

but a real and sure

and proven embrace

love that changes our fates.

And sitting here,

feel the smallness

let it move your faith

really shake you

because you CAN'T change the world,

but God already IS

and He

is inviting

you

to join Him.

-------all right-------

I was trying to decide earlier today if I am going to move to Genesis tomorrow in my reading or Acts, but after all I've seen this afternoon/evening, I am pretty positive Acts is my next destination for sure. THAT's the radical church the way it originally went, man!

Here's that last thing. Something I've been wanting to do for awhile, my own tiny bit of "craziness" in this routine world, my way to reach out to the other side of the world. A child, a dear, precious child... I may not be able to go around the world right now to work with children, but I can sponsor with the new financial gains God has given me at my job. What better way to start giving back for justice in a tangible way?

This is my child. Her name is Mame, and she is from Ghana, and she is 5 years old (that means she would be in my Kindergarten Sparky room in AWANA on Wednesday nights if she lived here). I am waiting for my first packet in the mail from Compassion so I can start writing her letters, but already when I pray for her I feel this burden as she is really mine. I can't wait to tell her how beautiful she is and how much I love her and what great things she'll one day do because of Jesus. I am going to put this picture of her in my office, and on my dresser, and maybe even in my wallet:

Isn't she just the most beautiful girl?

Here's to the tiny start of an ordinary-radical life :-)

::Amazing Grace::

::Amazing Grace::

The song says, "Amazing grace,
how sweet the sound...
a wretch like me."
But the thing that turns my world around
are the two little words between:
"THAT SAVED".
It SAVED a wretch like me.
It's not a grace
that hung on a tree
hours of agony
to set me free
and then merely pat me on the back
and say, "Now you have life,
go, have fun with it,
good luck staying under it,
congratulations,
now figure it out
but don't screw it up
salutations
I'll see you in heaven."
But no.
It's a grace you can't hide,
put your old life behind,
He wants to lead you
to guide you
to walk right beside you
not to force you or bind you,
but of course He will find you,
to take your hand and say, "Child,
don't think that I mind you.
This old way of living
is not life at all
I know a new way,
a better way,
a FREE way.
Just call
on Me and you'll see I'm right here
I want to use My power in your life,
light you up in the night
like fireworks for all to see
your tiny light reflecting off Me
as you love,
as you serve,
as the people all see
THIS is the life
I have called you to live.
My grace doesn't raise you
to stay in the grave."
THAT
is what makes His grace so amazing.
Not brought back to life
to a zombie-like state,
but a real living, breathing, praising
heaven-raising
LIFE.
Eternal
unbending.
What was dead now is unending
Don't you see?
God takes us, shakes us
to rouse us from rags,
Yes... but then He continues to bless
Heaven came down to man
and THAT
is what makes this grace so amazing.
Death-->
Life-->
LIVING.
Amazing grace, that saved a wretch like me.

Patience (1)

Okay, so, little time this afternoon but I still had to say SOMETHING...

So one big thing God is teaching me right now through situations both big and small (many small!)--that I just realized today (more on that in a moment) is PATIENCE. Yup, as an easygoing person I always thought I was great at patience, but of course there's always a way to change that, isn't there?! :-)

Well, here's the short of it. This morning, God impressed upon me (okay, smacked me upside the head with) these verses from James 1, 2-4:

"My brothers, count it all JOY when you fall into various trials (temptations, trying situations), knowing that the testing of your faith produces PATIENCE. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."

POWIE. One of the other big things God has been impressing on me is that I really didn't fully accept/take in the fact that when God looks at me, He sees Jesus--I was always feeling bad for not doing this, that, or the other thing because deep down inside I felt like, at the end of the day, I had to earn His approval... that even though my righteousnesses and any good thing I can do are like filthy rags, because of the sacrifice of His Son He looks and sees what Jesus made possible for me, and He can really say "it is good." So when I read these verses, immediately my mind came to all the small "squeezes" or trying situations I've been in lately, how I've handled them (not so great), and then how I may be "perfect and complete"--because I'm seen in Jesus. Yeah!

Okay, anyway, I had to post because my friend Jeremy who's on the World Race (I totally alluded to him earlier in my blog if you've been keeping up--what a great trip!) just posted this blog this afternoon (while, ironically, I was in the LONGEST day ever of Teacher Training at the CLC, which was at times a "trial" to test my patience :-) ):

http://jeremyharris.theworldrace.org/?filename=love-joy-peace

Does that just knock your socks off? I love when God blows my mind like that :-) I'm not alone in the struggle, AND I can use what I was shown to encourage others. In fact, I have had more than one friend today already admit that they're struggling with patience, and I've been able to share this verse God just gave to me.

COOL!

::Honestly::

{9.12.2010}
God. Let's be honest.
So often when I pray for these things,
Patience, discipline, to glorify You,
I just want the things,
Not what You can do
I'm impatient. I mean it when I say it,
But the very next day
It flies from my mind and in time I'm not fine
It's honest, but it's honestly not fast enough
It's like I think things should not be that tough
But let's be real. Let's be honest.
I know it's gonna stink. I know it's gonna take time.
I know it might hurt.
But I know it's best for me.
And I know, I know,
When you look you'll see
Your perect Son, King Jesus, instead
Of my stains, my pains, my complaints,
And my dread
No matter how much I feel lost
At sea, confused, tossed in the breeze
And the waves
Of my life that I can't control,
Won't control,
Shouldn't control,
Yes, in spite of my singular one-track mind
That only sees me in my own frame and time,
You're able to look on me
and see
Jesus instead. He who rose from the dead.
While all my righteous acts
Are like dirty, filthy rags,
When I'm covered in the blood of His love
All you see are HIS acts
And for once in history You can look on me
And proclaim, "it is good."
And I know, that in time, I'll get there
Sanctified
One step at a time
Washed in the blood
of Your precious Son.
For real. In all honesty.
In Jesus, "it is good."

A Small Way to Be the Change

A funny thing happened to me at work today.

Let me begin by backing up. I have a history of... cutting timing close when I have to get up early in the morning :-) But last week, I was getting up early and actually getting to work with good time before 8:00 a.m. Then, yesterday, I had a hard time getting up and I arrived at work at, oh, 8:03 ish. Bummers.

Then today, we got out of the house late and it was dreary and rainy and --ick!-- I ended up getting to work around 8:03 again. Unfortunately, as I strolled past our CLC clock I noticed that it was reading a few minutes even later. Nothing that horribly affected my work day, of course, but I was still worried.

To get to my office I have to pass right by my boss (Stacey)'s office. The whole way, I was thinking, I hope Stacey doesn't mind!
Just as I crossed in front of her door, I heard a sweet, lilting question waft from her office:

"Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiby?"

Uh-Oh. Now I'm in trouble.

"I just wanted to say...." she began, as I stuck my head in the door.
"...Thank you so much for being SO on top of things..."

Oh no. Is she being sarcastic? I am SOOOO in trouble this time!

"...And encouraging our staff."

What?!

Stacey's small smile grew bigger as my confusion became quickly evident on my face. "For nominating Susan and Alicia," she said. Suddenly it dawned on me: she was not talking about my lateness, but about the nominations I'd submitted for my two co-workers for an HCC Award!

"How, how did you know?" I asked, knowing that I'd just submitted Alicia's nomination less than 24 hours before, as I was leaving work in the evening. I'd submitted a nomination for Susan the month before and no one had said anything.

"I get an email every time one of my employees gets nominated for an HCC Award," she said.

While my boss's totally unexpected praise did make me feel relieved, it also made me think. I had no idea she was going to know about and read those nominations... I just decided I was going to take a small part in "being the change I wish to see in the world". Every month the list goes out to all the employees of which people were nominated for HCC Awards, a morale-building recognition certificate that is given to one employee of the college from another. And every month, I read the lists and think, "Oh my, I only knew ___ people on that list. How come nobody I work with is on there?"

Well, last month when the list came out, I balked at how miniscule it was--only a handful of names were nominated for great work. What was this? Then it finally dawned on me: why wasn't *I* doing anything about it? In a flash of excitement and pleasure I found the link and nominated both my co-worker, Susan, and my sister, Mamie, for their outstanding work at HCC. About a day later, I received notification that the certificates had been electronically mailed to my nominees. Cool!

Yesterday, then, when our first Mission had successfully ended and our Fearless Program Assistant had about died from nervousness, I nominated her for an HCC Award. And then today, she got it (and my other co-worker, Susan, showed me that she'd printed out her certificate from last month and stuck it to her bulletin board). Do you know how fun that is? Not because I am expecting anything--that's a plus, too, to be recognized for it--but just how good it feels to do my little part to "be the change", so to speak. :-) I am truly blessed and I love to pass that feeling on!

.........
So guess what my challenge to you is now? That's right! Find a small way YOU can "be the change you wish to see in the world"--I suggest starting with a few random notes of encouragement to people around you (maybe co workers, maybe family, maybe someone else) but you can start with anything. Be a blessing and you'll be blessed! It's the way to go!

Freely Loving

Okay, now that we have all that BIG NEWS out of the way, I can share what is really on my heart and mind ;-)

Totally cool story. See, my friend Jeremy Harris--who I met in Atlanta in January at the Passion2010 conference, shout out Pink Stripe!--is currenly on a year-long, world-wide, mind-blowing mission trip known as the World Race. I mean, this isn't your granddad's "Camp Chetek" youth group trip... this is serious business among the nations of the world. Anyway, several weeks ago I began to read the book of Philippians and right smack in the first chapter there were several verses that struck me:

"And this is my prayer: that your love may about more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ--to the glory and praise of God." {Philippians 1:9-11}

After reading those verses (that was NIV, but I love them in the NKJV too, you should check it out) I had this urge to pray them specifically for Jeremy and his team--in particular that he'd be able to love well and love everyone around him and love wisely, to the glory and praise of God. Sure, I prayed for unity and support... but this one request was always on the forefront of my prayers, that he would love. I didn't know why I wanted to pray it so badly, just that I needed to do it. In fact, sometime last week I think it was, I awoke in the middle of the night and wasn't able to sleep until I had prayed hard-core for this WR team to love and be unified.

Fast-forward to today. I got an email that Jeremy had updated his World Race blog (plug--you should read it because it's awesome: http://jeremyharris.theworldrace.org/) and I went to check out his new post, entitled "Free to Love".

What I found brought me to tears. Through a connection with a 6-year-old boy in a Haitian orphanage, Jeremy had lost the walls that blocked him from loving fully. Through a series of songs, comments, natural phenomena, and prayers, Jeremy realized and was affirmed that he was free to love!--The very specific thing I had been praying for weeks without knowing was something God was specifically looking to do in Jer's life! That just BLOWS MY MIND! God let me, little self-absorbed Libby, all the way on the other side of the world just wishing she could do something so wild and crazy and abandoned as orphan ministry, have a sliver in on the Kingdom coming to Earth in the life of a World Racer and his team. (btw, the prayers for unity are being answered too--his team has decided to fast from food and electronics for a whole day because of how serious they are about everyone getting their financial support completed!)

Wow. I just thought that was SO COOL and it was really affirming to me, too. To hear that God answers prayer is great; to have Him answer a prayer after years of praying is cool; and now to have Him plant something so specific and then answer it even more specifically all the way on the other side of the world is awe-inspiring! :-D

Okay, I'm done... for now. Here's the link to Jeremy's post; I really think you should read it:

http://jeremyharris.theworldrace.org/?filename=free-to-love

Last of all, here's a picture of Jeremy with his little wall-demolishing friend, Egine--too sweet not to share:

Space Cadet

Okay, so a lot has happened in the last MONTH since I posted. Actually, I have kind of been avoiding posting on purpose because of all that has been happening.


As you may know, I had been agonizing between two AMAZING opportunities God had presented to me fresh out of college:

1) Would I travel with Life Action Ministries for a year, ministering to churches across America as an alto singer and building crazy experiences and relationships with like-minded Christian peers? This was a tremendous opportunity to go into full-time, dedicated, vocational Christian ministry and it was the one my heart really wanted at the time.

OR

2) Would I stay in town and accept the Flight Director job offered to me by the Challenger Learning Center at Heartland (yes, they offered it to me on a Friday when I was at the Solar Car Rayce 2010 ISU Stage Stop with the Rutherfords!)? This would give me an opportunity to pay off my student loans, making me totally financially free for the future; it would also suit my abilities and interests very well and it was on the campus where I'd worked for nearly four years.


Well, a LOT of stuff happened. A lot of verses and songs came up... a lot of conversations with wise people... a lot of conversations with other friends... a lot of encouragement and prayer from a handful of still other friends... even fasting... and a lot of prayer... I wrestled heavily with the concept of God's will for me and His sovereignty vs. my choice in life. I still don't know that I've reached a 100% sure conclusion, but I can say that I trust Him in a way I never have before. Now I see His control of my life as the loving intervention on my behalf that it is. As Brian, our college pastor, often says, "God doesn't say "don't"--He says "don't hurt yourself". Christianity is not a set of rules--but God does give us guidelines so we can enjoy the life He's given as fully and safely as possible." I have realized that God's will is not like a tightrope that I can easily fall off of as much as it's like a pasture with a fence around it--a pasture with lots of green choices to pick from!


Soooooooooo........ It's time for me to break my blogging silence. And that means I should at least let you know which one I ended up choosing and am now having a ROCKIN'-LY AWESOME TIME at. I began my training on Monday, July 26th and am learning a lot.

Here's your clue: a picture of me "on the job":

Funny how God is so faithful...

"A man's heart plans his ways, but the LORD directs his steps"

P.S. and yes, the moment I accepted the job, people started asking me all kinds of questions about space, NASA, etc. and assumed I was an expert on it all... so now space will become my LIFE so that I *can* be an expert on it all :-)

To bloom or not to bloom?

In honor of another up and down and up week, yesterday while I was at a greenhouse with my friend Katie I took some pictures---

Some days I feel like this:




And some days I just feel like this......

You know what I mean?

I needed a reminder today...

...of these four things:

1. Think who you want to be

2. Trust God with your dreams

3. Work as if God is right there next to you

4. Give generously of who you are


Thanks, Louie Giglio, for that excellent sermon once again! I needed that... and I bet that we all need that reminder every once in awhile :-D

FYI

About the life-drama with "should I travel with Life Action Ministries or should I stay in Illinois and settle in to pay off student loans?" that's going on: it still hasn't been resolved. I was just looking back at some old posts--the story of my audition, the phone call from HCC about the Challenger job... it still gives me shivers. The statements I made about being okay either way, about student loans, about unsureness... they were almost prophetic...

Well, the latest is this:

I got the official call from Life Action Ministries just over a week ago, asking me to travel with them this year as a singer. I really, really, really wanted it (can you tell?). But just when I was about to say yes, those folks I consider to be my wise counselors all advised me to stay in town and pay off those dratted student loans instead of travelling. Boy, let me tell you, I wrestled with God hard-core on it. In fact, I'm not sure if I'm even done wrestling yet. A story God brought to my mind was that of Jacob wrestling with God, and I knew that, just as in the story, the only way I could walk away from this was if God touched me and either changed me physically or changed my circumstances intensely.

Obviously, I had changed a lot in the last few weeks. I had bought in so completely to the idea that maybe this was God's will for me that I was no longer willing to stay! Now my old original plan, which had seemed so brilliant at the time--to apply for 2011 and pay student loans off first--seemed constraining and dull. I think when I put myself out there for that audition, I took a decisive step in changing who I am. Though not visible to others, inside I had altered my course. I even agreed to sing in the Praise Team on Sunday mornings, just to see if I could survive for Life Action--and I you know what? I loved it! I didn't want to settle down anymore and become a teacher. I wanted something radical. I wanted ministry all the time (though I apparently didn't want ministry in my own hometown... oops). What was happening to me?

Of course, in the meantime, my Challenger Learning Center job interview was fast approaching. Once Upon A Time, I thought I wouldn't have to worry about it; I would just accept Life Action and then regretfully inform the Challenger I'd taken another position. But now, with my folks advising me to hold out on the decision for LA as long as I could, my interview had come. So I prepared: got out my fancy suit, put together a First Grade lesson on magnets for the teaching demonstration, and plunged ahead. I figured the interview would clear things up for me, once and for all. Honestly, I was counting on finding out that I didn't really like it.

Of course I was wrong.
The Challenger facilities are magnificent. Let me tell you, it's like being in a real spaceship (as much as I know what a real spaceship is like, that is!). The Interview Panel really liked me and even got into character during the First Grade lesson.
Now it is even harder for me!!! I could easily see myself being happy at either job. I now don't feel like I can tell either opportunity "no" (there's that people-pleasing bend in me again). Yet, a piece of my heart still steals away periodically and longs desperately for the 24/7-ministry-life-on-the-road with Life Action. But now I'm afraid again, friends. I'm afraid neither opportunity will meet me ever again. What's a girl to do? Which is the next right choice?

Holy, holy, holy

There is this song we used to sing in youth group when I was much younger and it had a bit like this:
"Holiness, holiness, is what I longer for//Holiness is what I need//Holiness, holiness, is what You want from me"

Yeah, there were many times when those were just words I sang because everyone around me was singing, or because I wanted to test out my harmonizing skills... but recently this topic of God's holiness has been creeping and seeping into all the areas of my life. Just in little things... a snippet in a book I'm reading... a quote in a sermon... a verse in a passage I've read... a song on the radio...

Most recently, our College Pastor, Brian, has really had this topic on his heart as he's preaching in our Sunday Night REACH services. Last week we had a tremendous time of listening to stories of God's holy presence in the Ark of the Covenant--I had forgotten how funny some of them actually are--and marvelling at how the very presence of item God was near was causing a whole city to go crazy.

Holiness. The integral character of God.
The angels around His throne sing holy, holy, holy is the Lord God of hosts
The earth is filled with His glory
He was and is and is to come

As I think about God's holiness as related to us in the Scriptures, I am struck with awe again. The story of the giant Philistine idol falling down face-first because of the Ark of the Covenant just sitting near it... it makes me marvel: just the presence of things God was very near to--not Himself, or His Spirit, but these things He was near to--made an idol bow down repeatedly! Imagine if God came so near to you and me that our very presence made idols fall down! That strongholds were cast down beacaues of the overpowering "reek of Jesus" hanging in the air around us all the time?! Wow!

God,
You are faultless in all You do. I believe that. Truly you have a handle on everything at once and You are right in every way You handle our lives. Just as Daniel says:
"All the inhaitants of the earth are reputedas nothing;
He does according to His wll in the army of heaven
And among the inhabitants of the earth.
No one can restrain His hand
or say to Him, "What have You done?" "
No tiny person can question You, alter You, or stop You. In heaven and on earth You reign and arrange and rearrange...

In the last few days a new cd by Brett Younker has come onto my radar, and he of course has a song on it entitled "holiness". I love the line, "You're callng me to live a life of freedom from the sin You've overcome"...and I want to end with the chorus:

"Lord Your holiness is my desire
Father, take my life and make it clean
Let the things of this world all fade away
'Till Your holiness is all I seek."

It's true. Holiness is what I need and I'm finding that it's something God definitely wants from me... especially in a time like this when it's so easy for me to go into a tizzy of selfishness about the huge life choices I'm caught between right now.... Holiness, holiness, is what I long for//holiness, is what I need, and let the things of this world all fade away, till God's holness is all I seek!

Own it!

So this morning when I went to work I had the opportunity to listen to a Breakout sermon from Passion2010 that my sister suggested could be good for me. It was by Ben Stuart, and after all the funny introductions he proclaimed his topic:

Decision Making.

Ha! It was incredible, so timely and true... and it was yet another wake-up call to me that I was becoming self-absorbed and prideful even in this "should I travel with Life Action" decision-drama that had started out so well. Here are his main points; I really feel that everyone can benefit from this refocusing of our thoughts:

• Before you make your decision, make sure you're on the right trajectory: Seeking God and His glory above all. One of the verses he cited was Passion's big verse, Isaiah 26:8, which says, "Yes, Lord, walking in the way of Your truth we wait eagerly for You". Ask yourself: why do I want to do ______? Can you honestly say that the reason is God's Name going out?

• When you ask, "What's God's will for me?", realize there are two parts to God's will: the revealed and the providential. The revealed things are those things God has clearly stated in the Bible: no murder, no stealing, love your neighbor as yourself, blessed are the humble, God loves a cheerful giver, etc. The providential things are the things God reveals through people, circumstances, etc. while you're living life with Him.
  

  -----> You will not know the providential things till you get to them... in the meanwhile, excel at the revealed things!

• OWN the decision
  

  -----> Pray about it, first thing, and often. Not just sitting and waiting for a "voice"... praying earnestly, with no anxiety--"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, with prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God, and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (Phil 4:6-7). So often when a really BIG decision drops on us, we tend to freak out. I know I sure do! Then we do things in haste and spend all our time fretting, when all we need to do is step back, chill, pray, and then come at it with a clear trust in God as we wait for Him to guide our next step. Be careful with your use of "God told me...", because as you buck up and own the fact that you have a decision to make you can't go around ascribing every movement of your heart to God's Spirit. You have to trust that as you seek Him, you will have to make a choice--but He will guide it. God isn't going to leave you hangin'!
  

  -----> I confess that this is where I found myself in all this. I realized that, in my pride, I was hiding the true fact that I didn't want to own the decision. I was anxious, and I really just wanted somebody else to make the choice for me, someone else to tell me what to do. I was freaking out in the moment and not taking a breather. It was making me self-absorbed, suspicious of others, and even more confused. Slap! Slap! Time to grow up out of that childish behavior! :-)

• Seek wise counsel. You're not an island, you can't do it on your own... as I'm even finding myself, Proverbs is loaded with verses about seeking counsel. Also, realize that the wisest counsel may not (and is probably not) tied up in your buddies... you need to seek out older, wiser folks who have been there for you. Ben Stuart himself has a counsel of wise men that he calls up whenever he has a big decision or question.

• Study the Word on it... remember, your big priority while you're seeking God's Providential Will is to excel in His Provided Will. If you're not reading the Word, you won't know what things are revealed and what things aren't! Der!

• THINK critically!!!! Don't make a decision about changing your major if it's something you're not good at and you don't think you'd enjoy it!!! Don't know what you're good at? Get involved in a lot of stuff at church. The things you're good at will rise to the top and people will comment about it... and the things you're not good at, well, you and others will figure those out too :)

• Finally, last step, as you're getting ready to decide, go with your heart. Do you desire this at all? Don't think that just because you want something, you're not supposed to do it. He spoke of a student who said, "Well, I'd love to and everybody is telling me I'm good at it, I don't think I'm supposed to do it because what if I get prideful?" HA! He responded, "Come on! You're supposed to kill the pride, not the job!"

• So it has come down to decision time. You've made sure your trajectory is aimed at God, you're working to study His Word and excel at the revealed things, you've prayed, you're owning the fact that this is a decision YOU have to make, you've sought counsel, you've thought critically about it... what's the choice? Ask: Has God built me to do ______? Has He put a love of _____ in my heart? Would I be influencing the Kingdom if I did it? Am I willing to fail at this? Go with your heart; if you're seeking God earnestly, He won't let you fall.

The Plot Thickens

I am so glad for when the Psalmist says, "Even there Your hand shall lead me." Cuz things got even crazier today as my path split yet again. Thank the Lord that, no matter which way I turn, He'll lead me. I feel like my life would sure make a great book or movie now, with the drama and excitement and plot twists at every corner!! :-)

One of the big things that was bothering me before all this "should I travel" drama was the Job Hunt. I had applied to a few places, but when I didn't hear back I became discouraged. Then I figured that not being tied down meant I was free to travel in the ministry this year. I'd basically made up my mind to travel...

Then today I heard back from one of the jobs I applied to! They want to interview me next month! A panel discussion, a meet and greet, a tour, a teaching demonstration (by yours truly)... What? I really thought I should have been bouncing off the walls, and three weeks ago if this had happened I would've screamed, shouted, danced down the halls of my workplace, and called everyone on the phone. As it stood, I was still flattered, but then came the onset of confusion. This was all I'd wanted in life before. Now it could be the one thing stopping me from travelling. And I don't know yet which way is right. Is God calling me to a secure job and future now, or is He calling me to be willing to forsake even that kind of security right now? I don't know yet.

I will just have to (try to) wait patiently, expecting big things to happen next...

Desert Song

This is a really cool song--the song Dustin made me sing, like, 5 times at my audition and then he got all excited about it and he was so pumped about it that he said he wanted to do it this year :-) It has just been in my head and my mind for quite awhile now:

Desert Song by Hillsong

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness, or trial, or pain
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me, Lord, through the flame

CHORUS:
And I will bring praise, I will bring praise,
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice, I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

CHORUS

BRIDGE (x4):
All of my life, in every season
You are still God, I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

CHORUS x2

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

Big Things are Moving

Have you found yourself in a situation that you had been so closed to and (I'll admit, in my case) even laughed at for years and years, but then there you were in the middle of it? Have you ever been told you might be the answer to some big prayers? Were you ever unsure about it?

I never expected to find myself in full time ministry for a prolonged period of time. But now it's looking like that's exactly where I might find myself for the coming year! I know I'm being vague, but the details haven't all ironed themselves out yet. I don't even know if God will bring it to completion. But I know He's going to take me to some crazy places regardless.

For years I thought the "travelling evangelism team" concept was kind of, well, stodgy and strict and silly. And for years I'd told God, without any wavering at all, that I *knew* it wasn't His will for me to travel, or go to Africa as a missionary, or whatever. Any time an evangelist tried to "tighten the screws" and pressure us to "respond to the call", I knew that I wasn't being called.

Then, this January, God started to soften me. He didn't call me to Africa; He just asked, "Libby, if I asked you to go to Africa, would you go?" And... for the first time, I stopped and said, "God, I'm not committing... but I'm considering. I'd be open to it." Of course, I haven't been called to Africa or anything. But for the first time, I'm open to that being in my future. Not like it'd be easy or anything. After that, I began to dialogue with a friend who's getting ready to go on a mind-blowing missions trip around the WORLD for a whole YEAR, and my old, scattered desires to be in ministry started to come together into a true desire to, someday, do something really all-out and totally ministry-focused. Something full-time, at least for awhile. I just never actually saw it as a possibility still. I figured that now I'd graduated, I'd just go become a teacher as I'd trained to do and then do ministry by being involved in my local church.

Then, just over a week ago, God brought a new thought to mind: "Libby, if I asked you to travel with the Life Action Team (the group we've had at our church for two weeks), would you do it?" I totally laughed this one off. Me? I was never "that kind of girl". But the thought wouldn't go away. I began to pray and say, "God, even if You asked me to do that, would I?"

Well, pretty soon a few friends of mine--not knowing my inner thoughts--suggested (and then pressured--you know who you are!) me to join. Soon some of the folks on the Team caught wind of it. Even my own pastor asked me about it one day. I wrestled with God and with my own fears about that possibility. My pros and cons list had 10 pros and 35 cons! I finally got to the point where I said, "God, I trust You, I think I'll apply to work next year (summer 2011) as a Children's Minister. That way I can still use my degree in working with kids, and we'll see if You want to do anything with that application or not, and I'll be okay either way."

I thought that was it. Really I did. I was happy to wait a year, take it slow, and use the current time to begin paying off student loans and earning as much money as I could at work. Sounds pretty brilliant actually, right?! :-) Well, on the last day of the Life Action meetings, some things happened that resulted in me basically being attacked to audition with the Team before they left Thursday. I left that night with an application, a phone number, and a pretty dazed and confused mind.

Needless to say, I was pretty consumed with it after that. "God, what's going on?!" I asked. Here I thought I'd wait a year and apply to be with children, because everybody knew my degree I'd just earned was in Elementary Education. But... the team was asking me to be a singer for this coming year.

I struggled now with 1) how much I thought it would be fun, and 2) how much I thought I'd be "wasting" my degree if I signed to be a singer for a year. This was not what I'd just gone through the fire of school for! This was not what everybody was always telling me I shoud do! This was not what I thought my calling was! On Tuesday I actually fasted (God bless the friend who challenged and encouraged me through it!) and met with several team members, and I finally came to the conclusion that I'd put myself out there and at least try, and let God take care of the rest. At this point, I realized that the whole Life Action "saga" had become pretty consuming, and now God was asking me, "Libby, if you apply and then I ask you to stay, will you do that too?" And I had to come to the point where I said, "Yes, God, I will be fine with that, too." So I called the music director and set up an audition. Yikes!

Okay, and here's one of my favorite parts: on Wednesday, I was REALLY nervous and really struggling with the idea that I must be doing something wrong because I wasn't ending up as a teacher like I'd planned all along. I thought that I was leaving my "calling" and wasting my degree... and then God led me across this quote that I'd written in a journal in January:

"Say you're called to missions and in 15 years you're called elsewhere. Is God confused? No. He doesn't call you to be a speaker... He calls you to Himself. He doesn't call you to teach, but to pursue Him, wherever that takes you."

SLAP! So I was supposed to get over that, too, eh? Hahahaha. It couldn't have been any more appropriate :-) So..... I did the audition. And even though I was nervous as all getout (I am NOT a performer. I sing to praise God, and I only sing in a choir because I can be "lost in the faces and voices"), and dry-mouthed and all, and I know I didn't sing my very best, some exciting things happened. My talk with the Music Director was amazing in the truest sense of the word. Like I said, big things are moving. Now I have to pray and wait and see... and be content whichever way God sees fit to lead me.

Even there...

Okay, so again a phrase from Psalm 139 just took me.... this time, in v. 10, which says, "Even there Your hand shall lead me, and Your right hand shall hold me."

You have to know the leading-up verses to this are talking about even if I ascend to heaven, make my bed in hell, take the wings of the morning (east to west!), dwell in the sea, and beyond... and then v. 10

Even--No matter what
There--A place. EVERY place. In the world, or in your heart. "Where can I go from Your spirit?"
Your--God. None other. The only One we can truly trust.
Hand--that sense of protection again. Cradling. Gripping. Laying on your shoulder. Holding.
Shall--Affirmative. Will. No question about it. Forever.
Lead--Direct. When I'm lost, remember God already comprehends my path.
Me.--Personal. Not just a nation, not just a group. God is for each of us.


YEAH!

So THIS girl....

....finally graduated from Community College!!!

...the same year my twin and I graduated University and our Aunt graduated University... What a crazy life! Maybe now with this last graduation (at least for awhile) we can finally take a break?

Somehow.... I very much doubt that life will slow down anytime soon :)

Where can I go from Your spirit?

The first part of Psalm 139: 7 says, "Where can I go from Your spirit?" A simple question....... but what truths inside!



Where can I go from Your spirit?
- a place. Where in this house; where in this neighborhood; where in this nation; where in this world..... where in this universe.... not a single place.... but also where situationally. Where in trials, where in joy, where in my own selfish mind and overthinking, where in my giving and sacrifice, where in my foolishness, where in my smarts and blessing. Where?


Where can I go from Your spirit?
- ability. Positive. It's not just "where am I going", but all possibilities past, present, and future as well. "Where CAN I go?" Of course the answer is nowhere.

Where can I go from Your spirit?

- personal. I. Not, "Where could a righteous person go". Where can I go. The very God of the blazing universe, of the stars, planets, galaxies, cells, mitochondria, wiggly caterpillars and fiery stars is a PERSONAL God. Whoa. Let that truth just blow your mind for a minute. Whoa. Not to make this phrase all about ourselves or anything, but that little pronoun really does radically determine the meaning of this question.

Where can I go from Your spirit?
- action. Place. Of course the answer is NOWHERE! Fleeing, running, whether we're purposefully heading the wrong way or we "find ourselves" away, wherever we've gone, God's spirit is still with us/pursuing us.

Where can I go from Your spirit?
- away. Place. It's "where can I get away"... "to be away"... there's no place we can go and no measure of "away-ness"!!!!

Where can I go from Your spirit?
- God's. This is perhaps the most important part!!! It's not just "where am I not surrounded by a fuzzy warm feeling" or "how could I possibly be away from salvation", but where can I go from YOUR spirit. The VERY PRESENCE OF GOD hounds us and is with us all the time!!! Just take that in for a moment~!

Where can I go from Your spirit?
- the very presence of God. The Third Person of the Trinity! It's not just some mystical force God has with us, or just a happy feeling. It's His very spirit, living, active, working within us and interceding for us at His throne. It's a practical, useful, moving Person that God leaves with us.


Wow. The Psalmist is asking a question that was so important to him, but means even MORE to us today. "Where can I go from Your spirit?" asks God if there is a place he can get away--a la, "the eyes of the Lord are in every place" and you can't get away from it--and, in another sense, if there's a single place he can go where God's Spirit isn't with him, pursuing and/or strengthening him. It could be a physical place, or even a more abstract one: no trial, no pain, no inner struggles or other "places" you could "go" are places that God can't go with you and reach you in. What a truth!

And what strikes me the most after that is how David was saying this BEFORE the time of Christ. Now, God's spirit is not only with us everywhere, but we can ACCESS Him everywhere! When Jesus died, the old way of accessing God--once a year, and only a priest could do it--went with Him. Now we can access God through our own High Priest, Jesus, whenever and wherever we are. Wow! I guess I was just blown away by that fact today :)