Own it!

So this morning when I went to work I had the opportunity to listen to a Breakout sermon from Passion2010 that my sister suggested could be good for me. It was by Ben Stuart, and after all the funny introductions he proclaimed his topic:

Decision Making.

Ha! It was incredible, so timely and true... and it was yet another wake-up call to me that I was becoming self-absorbed and prideful even in this "should I travel with Life Action" decision-drama that had started out so well. Here are his main points; I really feel that everyone can benefit from this refocusing of our thoughts:

• Before you make your decision, make sure you're on the right trajectory: Seeking God and His glory above all. One of the verses he cited was Passion's big verse, Isaiah 26:8, which says, "Yes, Lord, walking in the way of Your truth we wait eagerly for You". Ask yourself: why do I want to do ______? Can you honestly say that the reason is God's Name going out?

• When you ask, "What's God's will for me?", realize there are two parts to God's will: the revealed and the providential. The revealed things are those things God has clearly stated in the Bible: no murder, no stealing, love your neighbor as yourself, blessed are the humble, God loves a cheerful giver, etc. The providential things are the things God reveals through people, circumstances, etc. while you're living life with Him.
  

  -----> You will not know the providential things till you get to them... in the meanwhile, excel at the revealed things!

• OWN the decision
  

  -----> Pray about it, first thing, and often. Not just sitting and waiting for a "voice"... praying earnestly, with no anxiety--"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, with prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God, and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (Phil 4:6-7). So often when a really BIG decision drops on us, we tend to freak out. I know I sure do! Then we do things in haste and spend all our time fretting, when all we need to do is step back, chill, pray, and then come at it with a clear trust in God as we wait for Him to guide our next step. Be careful with your use of "God told me...", because as you buck up and own the fact that you have a decision to make you can't go around ascribing every movement of your heart to God's Spirit. You have to trust that as you seek Him, you will have to make a choice--but He will guide it. God isn't going to leave you hangin'!
  

  -----> I confess that this is where I found myself in all this. I realized that, in my pride, I was hiding the true fact that I didn't want to own the decision. I was anxious, and I really just wanted somebody else to make the choice for me, someone else to tell me what to do. I was freaking out in the moment and not taking a breather. It was making me self-absorbed, suspicious of others, and even more confused. Slap! Slap! Time to grow up out of that childish behavior! :-)

• Seek wise counsel. You're not an island, you can't do it on your own... as I'm even finding myself, Proverbs is loaded with verses about seeking counsel. Also, realize that the wisest counsel may not (and is probably not) tied up in your buddies... you need to seek out older, wiser folks who have been there for you. Ben Stuart himself has a counsel of wise men that he calls up whenever he has a big decision or question.

• Study the Word on it... remember, your big priority while you're seeking God's Providential Will is to excel in His Provided Will. If you're not reading the Word, you won't know what things are revealed and what things aren't! Der!

• THINK critically!!!! Don't make a decision about changing your major if it's something you're not good at and you don't think you'd enjoy it!!! Don't know what you're good at? Get involved in a lot of stuff at church. The things you're good at will rise to the top and people will comment about it... and the things you're not good at, well, you and others will figure those out too :)

• Finally, last step, as you're getting ready to decide, go with your heart. Do you desire this at all? Don't think that just because you want something, you're not supposed to do it. He spoke of a student who said, "Well, I'd love to and everybody is telling me I'm good at it, I don't think I'm supposed to do it because what if I get prideful?" HA! He responded, "Come on! You're supposed to kill the pride, not the job!"

• So it has come down to decision time. You've made sure your trajectory is aimed at God, you're working to study His Word and excel at the revealed things, you've prayed, you're owning the fact that this is a decision YOU have to make, you've sought counsel, you've thought critically about it... what's the choice? Ask: Has God built me to do ______? Has He put a love of _____ in my heart? Would I be influencing the Kingdom if I did it? Am I willing to fail at this? Go with your heart; if you're seeking God earnestly, He won't let you fall.

The Plot Thickens

I am so glad for when the Psalmist says, "Even there Your hand shall lead me." Cuz things got even crazier today as my path split yet again. Thank the Lord that, no matter which way I turn, He'll lead me. I feel like my life would sure make a great book or movie now, with the drama and excitement and plot twists at every corner!! :-)

One of the big things that was bothering me before all this "should I travel" drama was the Job Hunt. I had applied to a few places, but when I didn't hear back I became discouraged. Then I figured that not being tied down meant I was free to travel in the ministry this year. I'd basically made up my mind to travel...

Then today I heard back from one of the jobs I applied to! They want to interview me next month! A panel discussion, a meet and greet, a tour, a teaching demonstration (by yours truly)... What? I really thought I should have been bouncing off the walls, and three weeks ago if this had happened I would've screamed, shouted, danced down the halls of my workplace, and called everyone on the phone. As it stood, I was still flattered, but then came the onset of confusion. This was all I'd wanted in life before. Now it could be the one thing stopping me from travelling. And I don't know yet which way is right. Is God calling me to a secure job and future now, or is He calling me to be willing to forsake even that kind of security right now? I don't know yet.

I will just have to (try to) wait patiently, expecting big things to happen next...

Desert Song

This is a really cool song--the song Dustin made me sing, like, 5 times at my audition and then he got all excited about it and he was so pumped about it that he said he wanted to do it this year :-) It has just been in my head and my mind for quite awhile now:

Desert Song by Hillsong

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness, or trial, or pain
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me, Lord, through the flame

CHORUS:
And I will bring praise, I will bring praise,
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice, I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

CHORUS

BRIDGE (x4):
All of my life, in every season
You are still God, I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

CHORUS x2

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

Big Things are Moving

Have you found yourself in a situation that you had been so closed to and (I'll admit, in my case) even laughed at for years and years, but then there you were in the middle of it? Have you ever been told you might be the answer to some big prayers? Were you ever unsure about it?

I never expected to find myself in full time ministry for a prolonged period of time. But now it's looking like that's exactly where I might find myself for the coming year! I know I'm being vague, but the details haven't all ironed themselves out yet. I don't even know if God will bring it to completion. But I know He's going to take me to some crazy places regardless.

For years I thought the "travelling evangelism team" concept was kind of, well, stodgy and strict and silly. And for years I'd told God, without any wavering at all, that I *knew* it wasn't His will for me to travel, or go to Africa as a missionary, or whatever. Any time an evangelist tried to "tighten the screws" and pressure us to "respond to the call", I knew that I wasn't being called.

Then, this January, God started to soften me. He didn't call me to Africa; He just asked, "Libby, if I asked you to go to Africa, would you go?" And... for the first time, I stopped and said, "God, I'm not committing... but I'm considering. I'd be open to it." Of course, I haven't been called to Africa or anything. But for the first time, I'm open to that being in my future. Not like it'd be easy or anything. After that, I began to dialogue with a friend who's getting ready to go on a mind-blowing missions trip around the WORLD for a whole YEAR, and my old, scattered desires to be in ministry started to come together into a true desire to, someday, do something really all-out and totally ministry-focused. Something full-time, at least for awhile. I just never actually saw it as a possibility still. I figured that now I'd graduated, I'd just go become a teacher as I'd trained to do and then do ministry by being involved in my local church.

Then, just over a week ago, God brought a new thought to mind: "Libby, if I asked you to travel with the Life Action Team (the group we've had at our church for two weeks), would you do it?" I totally laughed this one off. Me? I was never "that kind of girl". But the thought wouldn't go away. I began to pray and say, "God, even if You asked me to do that, would I?"

Well, pretty soon a few friends of mine--not knowing my inner thoughts--suggested (and then pressured--you know who you are!) me to join. Soon some of the folks on the Team caught wind of it. Even my own pastor asked me about it one day. I wrestled with God and with my own fears about that possibility. My pros and cons list had 10 pros and 35 cons! I finally got to the point where I said, "God, I trust You, I think I'll apply to work next year (summer 2011) as a Children's Minister. That way I can still use my degree in working with kids, and we'll see if You want to do anything with that application or not, and I'll be okay either way."

I thought that was it. Really I did. I was happy to wait a year, take it slow, and use the current time to begin paying off student loans and earning as much money as I could at work. Sounds pretty brilliant actually, right?! :-) Well, on the last day of the Life Action meetings, some things happened that resulted in me basically being attacked to audition with the Team before they left Thursday. I left that night with an application, a phone number, and a pretty dazed and confused mind.

Needless to say, I was pretty consumed with it after that. "God, what's going on?!" I asked. Here I thought I'd wait a year and apply to be with children, because everybody knew my degree I'd just earned was in Elementary Education. But... the team was asking me to be a singer for this coming year.

I struggled now with 1) how much I thought it would be fun, and 2) how much I thought I'd be "wasting" my degree if I signed to be a singer for a year. This was not what I'd just gone through the fire of school for! This was not what everybody was always telling me I shoud do! This was not what I thought my calling was! On Tuesday I actually fasted (God bless the friend who challenged and encouraged me through it!) and met with several team members, and I finally came to the conclusion that I'd put myself out there and at least try, and let God take care of the rest. At this point, I realized that the whole Life Action "saga" had become pretty consuming, and now God was asking me, "Libby, if you apply and then I ask you to stay, will you do that too?" And I had to come to the point where I said, "Yes, God, I will be fine with that, too." So I called the music director and set up an audition. Yikes!

Okay, and here's one of my favorite parts: on Wednesday, I was REALLY nervous and really struggling with the idea that I must be doing something wrong because I wasn't ending up as a teacher like I'd planned all along. I thought that I was leaving my "calling" and wasting my degree... and then God led me across this quote that I'd written in a journal in January:

"Say you're called to missions and in 15 years you're called elsewhere. Is God confused? No. He doesn't call you to be a speaker... He calls you to Himself. He doesn't call you to teach, but to pursue Him, wherever that takes you."

SLAP! So I was supposed to get over that, too, eh? Hahahaha. It couldn't have been any more appropriate :-) So..... I did the audition. And even though I was nervous as all getout (I am NOT a performer. I sing to praise God, and I only sing in a choir because I can be "lost in the faces and voices"), and dry-mouthed and all, and I know I didn't sing my very best, some exciting things happened. My talk with the Music Director was amazing in the truest sense of the word. Like I said, big things are moving. Now I have to pray and wait and see... and be content whichever way God sees fit to lead me.

Even there...

Okay, so again a phrase from Psalm 139 just took me.... this time, in v. 10, which says, "Even there Your hand shall lead me, and Your right hand shall hold me."

You have to know the leading-up verses to this are talking about even if I ascend to heaven, make my bed in hell, take the wings of the morning (east to west!), dwell in the sea, and beyond... and then v. 10

Even--No matter what
There--A place. EVERY place. In the world, or in your heart. "Where can I go from Your spirit?"
Your--God. None other. The only One we can truly trust.
Hand--that sense of protection again. Cradling. Gripping. Laying on your shoulder. Holding.
Shall--Affirmative. Will. No question about it. Forever.
Lead--Direct. When I'm lost, remember God already comprehends my path.
Me.--Personal. Not just a nation, not just a group. God is for each of us.


YEAH!

So THIS girl....

....finally graduated from Community College!!!

...the same year my twin and I graduated University and our Aunt graduated University... What a crazy life! Maybe now with this last graduation (at least for awhile) we can finally take a break?

Somehow.... I very much doubt that life will slow down anytime soon :)

Where can I go from Your spirit?

The first part of Psalm 139: 7 says, "Where can I go from Your spirit?" A simple question....... but what truths inside!



Where can I go from Your spirit?
- a place. Where in this house; where in this neighborhood; where in this nation; where in this world..... where in this universe.... not a single place.... but also where situationally. Where in trials, where in joy, where in my own selfish mind and overthinking, where in my giving and sacrifice, where in my foolishness, where in my smarts and blessing. Where?


Where can I go from Your spirit?
- ability. Positive. It's not just "where am I going", but all possibilities past, present, and future as well. "Where CAN I go?" Of course the answer is nowhere.

Where can I go from Your spirit?

- personal. I. Not, "Where could a righteous person go". Where can I go. The very God of the blazing universe, of the stars, planets, galaxies, cells, mitochondria, wiggly caterpillars and fiery stars is a PERSONAL God. Whoa. Let that truth just blow your mind for a minute. Whoa. Not to make this phrase all about ourselves or anything, but that little pronoun really does radically determine the meaning of this question.

Where can I go from Your spirit?
- action. Place. Of course the answer is NOWHERE! Fleeing, running, whether we're purposefully heading the wrong way or we "find ourselves" away, wherever we've gone, God's spirit is still with us/pursuing us.

Where can I go from Your spirit?
- away. Place. It's "where can I get away"... "to be away"... there's no place we can go and no measure of "away-ness"!!!!

Where can I go from Your spirit?
- God's. This is perhaps the most important part!!! It's not just "where am I not surrounded by a fuzzy warm feeling" or "how could I possibly be away from salvation", but where can I go from YOUR spirit. The VERY PRESENCE OF GOD hounds us and is with us all the time!!! Just take that in for a moment~!

Where can I go from Your spirit?
- the very presence of God. The Third Person of the Trinity! It's not just some mystical force God has with us, or just a happy feeling. It's His very spirit, living, active, working within us and interceding for us at His throne. It's a practical, useful, moving Person that God leaves with us.


Wow. The Psalmist is asking a question that was so important to him, but means even MORE to us today. "Where can I go from Your spirit?" asks God if there is a place he can get away--a la, "the eyes of the Lord are in every place" and you can't get away from it--and, in another sense, if there's a single place he can go where God's Spirit isn't with him, pursuing and/or strengthening him. It could be a physical place, or even a more abstract one: no trial, no pain, no inner struggles or other "places" you could "go" are places that God can't go with you and reach you in. What a truth!

And what strikes me the most after that is how David was saying this BEFORE the time of Christ. Now, God's spirit is not only with us everywhere, but we can ACCESS Him everywhere! When Jesus died, the old way of accessing God--once a year, and only a priest could do it--went with Him. Now we can access God through our own High Priest, Jesus, whenever and wherever we are. Wow! I guess I was just blown away by that fact today :)

$10...

Wow. I really do feel sorry now that I haven't been keeping this blog up throughout the last week and a half. Our church has been hosting a team from the Life Action ministries, putting on a Life Action Revival Summit. It's every night for two weeks. I know, I know, I thought the same thing at first, "Every night?! How in the world will I find the time?"

Well, let me tell you, it sure has been amazing. I suppose another time I will write all about that. Today, a few stories that illustrate just how God is making me more aware of His presence--and the Holy Spirit's leading--throughout my day.


Story 1: so I wanted to get Mamma a little iTunes gift card for Mother's Day. I had very little money, and then last weekend I was given a couple of very nice monetary gifts--including a really shiny, snazzy new $10 bill.

My younger sister is always much more on top of things like gifts than I am, so she purchased our group package of gift cards for Mom and I had to repay her. As it turned out, I owed her $10... and all I had was a few $20's and that nice, shiny new $10. At first I asked her if she could make change, but when she couldn't I took a long, hard look at that $10 bill. I prayed, God, I can't let this money be more important to me than You are! It's just a bill... and one You gave me in the first place to boot. It's not like I earned it. And then I "sucked it up" and gave my sister the nice shiny $10. When she heard it was a new bill, she tried to figure out how she could make change so I could keep it, but I had made up my mind. "It's just money," I told her, "It's not like it's a person. I sure don't want to become married to my money!"

WELL,

Here's where it gets funny. I didn't even think about it after that. Mom of course loved the gift (and the funny card that went with it), and then we went along our merry ways. And then... THEN... yesterday I was sitting at the kitchen table with Dad when Mom strolled over and tossed a couple of $10 bills on the table. "Here's your ten dollars," she said, "And yours... and yours..." and she kept doling out money. Buh?! Turns out that this was money we were supposed to get weeks ago for filling out a survey about our radio use in a typical week. This was money I had given up on a long time ago and totally forgotten about! -- But God hadn't forgotten! Boy, He sure takes care of His own :)... not only was it $10, but it was a shiny new $10 to boot!

Cool, huh? I'm actually pretty excited about the friend I'm going to invest that in next. During this Life Action Summit I have asked God 1) what He wants me to give, and 2) where He wants me to give it. I know that one thing He is asking for from me is my time, but judging by the fact that I have suddenly been given several decent monetary gifts, I have a hunch that He's allowing me to invest in His Kingdom financially now, too. I love that!