I had an interesting thought today while I was in the shower (I swear, when I'm awake enough, the shower is where I always have my great ideas!). Because it's the end of the semester I've naturally been thinking about how I've grown and changed and all I've learned. My thoughts turned again to how different I am from when I was in regular college classes, and one of the things I thought about is how I used to always be the "top dog" in my classes. I used to take so much pride in my abilities to reason, learn things quickly, apply my new knowledge, reflect on what I was doing, and form good relationships with my peers and teachers. Now, it seems (at least to me) that I am on the "bottom of the pile" in PDS/Student Teaching... constantly feeling slowest to grow and slowest to catch on to the very basics of the teaching profession. I will not hide it: there were many times where I asked myself, "What am I doing here? Who did I think I was to come out of a family with no history of teachers, to come from no public school experience of my own, and want to do this? Can I really do it? Did God really put me here... or was I just fooling myself?"
Today as I was asking God why my skills have seemingly "disappeared", I actually heard what He had to say about it. In the few seconds of quiet I managed to leave between bombardments of questions heavenward, it hit me: I haven't lost my skills. I'm just using them differently now, probably the way they were intended for right now. Silly me, I want to be in all new situations as the SAME OLD LIBBY. But my skills won't always serve the same purpose!
Before, I used my skills to be the top student and I took pride in that. That was not what I should have taken my pride in! Now, I see that God has given me these skills so right now I can make up the gap in my knowledge of public schooling. My peers have grown up in the system, so the transition into teaching was fairly seamless for them. For me, there was ZERO background knowledge. I spent the first couple months just getting used to the ebb and flow of a normal school day! The skills and abilities God has given me have allowed me to cover this ground a lot more quickly than someone who spent their life skating by or doing the minimum. This was a "hardship" for me for sure, but something I was to go through for His glory! In His infinite knowledge, He saw that I would be a teacher and that I would need a little bit more "push" to get from Point A (my childhood) to Point B (my profession).
You know that saying, "To whom much is given, much will be required"? I used to think that it would be required of me to rise far above all others with the incredible skill set God has blessed me with. That would be a lot of requiring. But instead, the "much" that's required of me right now seems to be to make up more ground. It's like I started farther back in the race and I'm supposed to use my extra speed to ensure that we all finish together. Hhhmm.
It's an interesting thought, and one that takes my preeminence out of the picture. It knocks me back a little bit, but that's a good thing. It's time to get back to relying on God instead of worshipping myself. When my day doesn't depend on how well I perform, I'm more stable anyway. Time to replace my tired bulb of "self" and let this Lamp shine God's light again. I'm sure I'll be a better teacher for it :)
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